Roger Federer’s Diary: The Season Begins Now

By Blair Henley / Tuesday, January 14, 2014

 

Despite the constant presence of his loving family and a
team of  handlers to rival that of an international
pop star, Roger Federer finds time to write in his Italian
leather-bound journal. 

Photo Credit: tennis.com.au

January 11, 2014 – Saturday

The season is now in full swing, which means the offseason is a
distant memory. But what an offseason it was. I removed myself
from the exhibition circuit despite a $27 million offer from
Pantene to play a single match in the courtyard of Versailles.
It was a fair offer, but I needed to focus on my training and
fitness. Speaking of which, my oft-irritated back is feeling as
fresh as a warm spring day or maybe even Rafa’s knee. In other
words, I’m ready to dip my perfectly manicured toe into the
shimmering pool of the 2014 tennis season, which, let’s be
honest, doesn’t really start until Day One of the Australian
Open.

My time away from the prying public eye this winter was spent
training, of course, but also engaging my legions of fans. I
came out of the Twitter gates like a seasoned stallion, sinewy
muscles rippling, racking up followers at a higher rate than
anyone in history. But my “new follower” pace has since slowed
dramatically. My friend and foe, Rafa Nadal, still outpaces me
by millions. I needed to up the ante.

The answer? #AskRF. People want access. They want to
feel like they are sitting next to me on my chaise, breathing
in the warm aromas of gold and mahogany. So, I did what any
sports superstar would do: I hired a team of comedians to make
me appear like an even more witty and approachable version of
myself.

Once Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Seth MacFarlane and Dane Cook
were assembled in my living room, #AskRF commenced. The results
were everything I had hoped. I successfully gave many fans that
highlight of their lives, while simultaneously improving my
image as a clever, remarkably handsome everyman. #winwin

January 12, 2014 — Sunday

It’s hard to believe that this will be the 16th season I have
gifted the ATP tour with my presence. Can you believe it, dear
Diary? Some have suggested that it’s time to sit back and savor
my legendary legacy, take Perrier baths and enjoy 24-carat gold
facials. But I still have more to give.
 
In fact, this year promises to be full of successes. If not on
the tennis court, then surely from my loins. We recently
announced to the public that Mirka will birth a child in 2014.
What we didn’t mention was that the baby will surely be an heir
to the Federer throne. Normally I wouldn’t be so confident
considering our previous track record (girls!), but when you
have science and millions of dollars on your side, you can
guarantee things like male genitalia. We’re already throwing
around names — Fritz, Franz, Friedrich, Festus, Ferdinand.
Nothing like some good Swiss alliteration with which to carry
on the family name.

As soon as the news became public, I received a gift basket
from Rafa. It arrived so quickly, I wondered if he had run it
over himself as part of his pre-Australian Open training.
Inside, he had meticulously packed a veritable cornucopia of
gifts. I opened up the card first.

Dear RF,

Felicidades on the news of your latest bebe. I am told
ninos are a gift much greater than the wins of a Grand Slam. I
myself cannot believe that this is true, but at your advanced
age, you must, as the poker players say, hedge your bets.

With Love,

The King of Clay and Also of the Hard Courts

Inside the basket, I found several gifts. First, I pulled out a
CD with recordings of my 17 Grand Slam acceptance speeches. “To
be played at the birth,” it read. It was a nice gesture, but
somehow Rafa’s speech from his 2008 Wimbledon win made it into
the compilation. Surely an innocent oversight. Also inside were
baby bandanas from Nike, an El Toro onesie and a sound machine
that plays the applause of my adoring fans on a loop. It will
put little Friedrich Federer to sleep in no time. So generous
and thoughtful.

January 13, 2014 – Monday

My play in Brisbane was a strong start to my season, thanks, in
part, to the larger racquet I’ve been wielding. But, I won’t
lie. It’s been a difficult adjustment. Adding an extra five
square inches to my racquet is much like adding bumpers to my
bowling lane. It was embarrassing at first, but necessary to
continue striking down my foes on the tennis court. In order to
ease the transition, Mirka suggested I cuddle up with my new
Wilson to get a feel for her wider curves. Once we got to know
each other, I realized that bigger frames need love, too.

Today the Australian Open gates opened to the public. Don’t
tell the fans now, but they’ll have to come back tomorrow to
glimpse my fancy footwork and deft touch. Time to lay down my
quill fashioned from the rare Japanese ibis and settle in for
my daily bath and blowout. Big day tomorrow.

______________________